My Dirty Little Secret

Some of you may already know this, but for those of you that don't here goes...  I have a dirty little secret.  It's pretty bad.  I've hid it from family and friends.  I've allowed it to take over my life.  I've let it keep me from social engagements.  I've used it as an excuse not to clean my house.  I've let it take time away from my kids.  And I've spent money on it that we don't have.  Any guesses?  Well, it's time to come out of the proverbial closet..

I'm a smoker.

At least, I was.  Until today.

I started smoking when I was seventeen.  Peer pressure and all that.  But what started out as a social habit has grown into a monster that I have dealt with for the better part of 17 years.  And what I've finally realized is this.  I'm letting something control me.  For those of you who know me, I think you could attest to the fact that I can be a bit of a control freak.  And I definitely lash out when I think someone is trying to control my life.  Nevertheless, I have allowed these tiny death sticks to do just that.  So a couple of months ago, I started praying really hard that God would send me some kind of help.  And he did, in the form of a study by the University of Michigan.  I was assigned to a group in this study that receives nicotine patches for 8 weeks, as well as online and phone support. With their help, I picked today as my quit date, and have been mentally preparing for this day for a month.

So this morning, I woke up and the first thought in my head was "I could start tomorrow".  Addiction rears it's ugly head. But I reminded myself of all the reasons I want to do this.  Starting with the major (being around for my kids longer), and continuing on into the minor (you won't smell like you've been hanging out with Satan all day..you know, where there's smoke...). So I got into the shower, made the coffee, and dutifully put on my nicotine patch.  And guess what? It's not so bad.  I poured my coffee and immersed myself in my favorite cookie blog.  Yes, there was a constant battle going on in my head.  It literally felt like two people were having a fight.  But the good Carrie won out.  I'm sure it won't continue to be this easy, but for now... Carrie - 1 Cigarettes - 0.